The Kat Files

What an interesting week! Coincidence, the universe, the devil, my imagination…it always seems that whenever I start contemplating a huge decision that will impact my life, a thing or two breaks or goes awry. There is a shift. And, it kind of unnerves me! Well, letters of intent were due Friday. Much contemplation all week. Should I stay or should I go? The last time I made the leap to GO, Barry’s truck was totaled on the way to Andrew’s baseball practice. Naturally, I freaked! Fortunately, it all worked out, and I had a three year hiatus from teaching.

Thus, begins my tale. Last Sunday my laptop seized up preventing me from logging in which prevented me from blogging and working on school stuff. Needless to say, I had a slight meltdown! After school on Monday, I brought my laptop to a local computer place and a kind gentleman not only fixed it, but since it was a simple system restore, he did not charge me. I was back in business. “I got this,” I said to myself. My laptop would eventually need to be replaced, but I was hoping it would make it at least through the summer.

Then on Tuesday, our refrigerator did not seem to be cooling properly. Fearful thoughts started swirling around in my mind mixing together with self-doubt and defeat. Never mind that my laptop and our refrigerator were both old and nearing the end of their electrical lives. But of all the weeks to act up or conk out, they pick this week. The week I need to make a decision. Damn you, FEAR! Fear will rob you, threaten you, and diminish you. Thankfully, Barry came home on Wednesday and got us a new refrigerator. Fear slid back into its cave in the dark recesses of my mind. I started feeling brave again.

Then on Thursday afternoon, the rain came down. HARD! Bad weather conditions were predicted to ensue throughout the night and into Friday, so school was cancelled for Friday. The day I planned to bravely turn in that letter of intent. I had made my decision, but had to wait until Monday. Yes, the decision stuck with me all weekend with fear gnawing at the outer edges of my mind. Doubt and trust going back and forth, like a tug-of-war. Which side was stronger? Who was going to win? Then, school was cancelled again for Monday.

Now, I sit and write in BAM sipping a mocha latte. Have I been given this reprieve to change my mind? Am I delusional or just so burnt out that I am not thinking clearly? Could it be a test to challenge my convictions or to see if I am just full of crap? I guess I will find out tomorrow, dear reader, when I go back to work. All will be revealed, soon. Happiness!

“The future, the worry, the regret, the anxiety – these are all the mental events that do not have to be a part of the difficulty of life: these can be transcended here and now.” ~ Eckhart Tolle